I have a curse. It’s devastating. I notice subtle things that people do that drive me crazy. You could be thinking, “Yes, don’t we all.” True. We all do. However, the mannerisms, expressions and actions I notice are ridiculous. I shouldn’t pay them any mind, but I can’t help it. By reading this, you will share my curse, although you probably have enough brain power and self-discipline to not let it bother you. I don’t, because I am a fart buckle. That said, one of the nuances I’ve noticed about other people since childhood is:
5: How long it takes for a smile to fade from someone’s face
You’re probably already saying, “What the hell?” And you’re right to say that. What kind of shitty imbecile watches that?
This guy probably does. Oh, and I do.
When humans experience humor and/or mirth, they typically laugh or smile. That smile then lingers upon their faces for an unspecified amount of time. It’s fascinating to me to see how long a person’s smile lasts. Why? Because who the hell knows?! It just is. Any number of variables can play into a person’s “smile duration.” Maybe what you said to make them smile was actually dumb as shit and they smiled to be polite. In this case, their smile will last no more than 6 seconds. At this point, that person will turn away from you, fully release their smile muscles and mumble under his or her breath about what a complete puppet fucker you are.
“What an asshole!”
Much more intriguing is the hearty laugh smile duration! These happy, chortling folks have an excessively lingering smile which remains for a disturbing amount of time. They can look away, glance around, take a drink, and they’re still smiling. Then it begins. Like molasses oozing down the side of a jar, the smile dwindles until there’s no trace. Then Randy tell his famous pickpocket joke, and the cycle begins again. It’s maddening.
4. Hand Gestures
We all make them. There’s nothing odd or crazy about that at all. The problem for me is that I tend to imagine how the person would appear if I couldn’t hear them. This one is hilarious. The flailing arms and exaggerated facial expressions create such a wonderful scene of ridiculousness. Noted absurdist author and philosopher Albert Camus once stated in The Myth of Sisyphus:
At certain moments of lucidity, the mechanical aspect of their gestures, their meaningless pantomime makes silly everything that surrounds them. A man is talking on the telephone behind a glass partition; you cannot hear him, but you see his incomprehensible dumb show: you wonder why he is alive. (Camus, 11)
This quote is brilliant for showing just how absurd we all can be if we just step back and consider ourselves from a different perspective.
“Yeah let me finish this dumb show I’m working on, and I’ll be right over! And remind me to never go to Harvey’s Haircuts for Cocksuckers again.”
Take a minute the next time you’re talking to someone who gestures profusely and imagine them putting on such a display without talking. It looks like some kind of sick rain dance for people who belong on the Rhythmless Nation tour.
3. Ladies who pose for pictures with one hand on their hip and their knee bent like they’re on a fashion runway.
I need to see this like I need a creepy mustachioed murderer tapping on my bedroom window with his knob.
What is this? Why is this happening?
Everything is wrong.
2. Pushing the elevator button even though it’s already lit
This is one of the most senseless acts of idiocy that there is. It smacks of those childhood moments where you and your sibling or friend wanted to be the last one to push the button or turn out the light. When a grown ass man wanders up and pushes the lit elevator button seconds after you’ve already pushed it, some questions arise. The answers to all the questions is “no” except for this one: “Is this guy an ass hat?” Yes. Complete ass hat. He’s thoroughly ass hatting the world with his stupid ass hattedness.
“Now you see Phil, that button was already pushed.”
Please never do this. It will cause fellow elevator patrons to instantly loathe you and talk about you harshly during happy hour.
“Listen Gwen, I know you just pushed the button, but I’m going to push it again, because I’m a complete prick.
1. Failed Smile
It’s inevitable. You’re in front of a group of people attempting to do something. Shooting a basketball. Throwing a football. Betting it all on red. Running. Anything. Then you do it completely wrong and make a weiner out of yourself in front of everyone. What’s the natural response? A smile. Why!? Why do we smile over our pitiful attempts?
“By golly, at least only 396 people saw that! Oh, and I shit myself too!”
I think this must be an instinctive reaction to deflect our embarrassment elsewhere. “Maybe if they see that I am good-natured about how badly I suck at this, they won’t change their opinions of me!” I think that’s the rationale. If I fell off the first obstacle in American Ninja Warrior, I reckon I’d be as pissed off as one of Rosie O’Donnell’s vibrators. I wouldn’t pop up out of the water smiling about it!
Instead of failed smile, we all need to bring back the Charlie Brown frown.
This is a much more appropriate reaction to one’s failures. I think we spend too much time masking our true emotions for the sake of either being politically correct or to avoid conflict. But that’s a different blog altogether.
We all do these things and typically think nothing of them. Except me. I think plenty of them, and it all pisses me off to no end. I’m not implying that people should stop this nonsense. I’m more realistic than that, but I won’t apologize for looking at you sideways and judging the living tits out of your actions. Feel free to reciprocate. I think you’ll find that:
- I instantly stop smiling 1 second after something is funny.
2. I don’t use hand gestures. Instead, I stand rigidly while speaking tongues in monotone.
3. I never pose for pictures with a hand on my hip and a bent knee like I have a torn ACL.
4. I don’t push elevator buttons. I wait for someone else to push them. Even if it means I spend an entire Saturday riding the elevator waiting for someone on my floor, then damn it all, that’s what I do.
5. And when I fail, I immediately launch into a tirade about how shitty the planet is and why everyone can kiss my ass. Including me.
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