Navigating Grief

Tips for handling the loss of a loved one.

Word on the street is that grief comes in waves. I can attest to this. After the loss of my mom, I was pummeled with every emotion I’ve ever felt. Learning how to cope with and navigate these feelings is a complex life challenge that most of us must endure. Below, I discuss the “stages” of grief and strategies for handling them whether at home, in public or at work.

First though, it’s important to note that these stages are not necessarily stages at all nor do they arrive in any particular order. You may go through any or all of them repeatedly. That’s the beating that causes such suffering. In the spirit of keeping things orderly, we’ll examine the stages of grief as they were written initially remembering that these stages are interchangeable and repeatable.

1. “Denial”

These feelings may begin well before the loss you experience. In my case, I was already grieving watching Mom become sicker and sicker. Then from the moment of loss onward, there are dense feelings of shock and disbelief. You will be confused at times and may have trouble with decision-making. You’ll want to shut down and sleep your days away. Or you may become a bit manic trying to distract yourself from the reality of the situation by doing mindless activities or staying busy constantly. None of these approaches are wrong as they stem from our natural instincts. However, we can make this period of time easier to cope with.

One of the strangest things I noticed during this period of days to weeks after Mom’s passing was how everyone else was going about their normal lives while mine had been flipped upside-down and throttled to the point of being unrecognizable. It’s bizarre. At the grocery store, there are people picking out apples and happily strolling the aisles while I walk through a dense fog forgetting why the hell I went in there in the first place. So how can we make this stage more manageable?

Talk. Whether its family, friends or a professional . . . talk to someone. Keeping your feelings inside is the compound interest of our emotions. Those feelings will grow exponentially within you until there’s not a way to safely contain them. Then they’ll manifest in unwanted ways. In fact, holding in your emotions during this stage will put you in the speed round for the rest of the stages, and you’ll pinball between them losing shreds of sanity as you go. It’s crucial to find others who have similar experiences and talk to them. Whether it’s through grief counseling in small groups or one-on-one, it’s a highly effective method of coming to terms with what happened. After some time, the door to acceptance will be cracked open just slightly. But that’s a huge step.

No.

2. Anger

I found anger a mere 2 weeks after my loss. Coupled with my sadness, this was some of the most intense anger I’ve ever felt. All I wanted to do was destroy something and to be honest, had I been younger, I would have. It took everything I had not to drive my forehead through my closet door one day. I just knew that I could put my forehead right through the door and I didn’t care about consequences. For a second, it didn’t concern me that I’d have to pay for the door. I wasn’t concerned about an injuries either. But you have to be. Deep within I knew better and was able to stop myself. So what to do with all that anger? Certainly don’t hold it in for long. I kept it at bay for a few minutes and went to get a hard workout done. You might be thinking, “But I don’t work out.” Fine. Go for a long walk. I mean long. It should be a minimum of one hour. It doesn’t matter where you go, just go. Take music or better yet, don’t. Just be with your thoughts.

If you are an exercise person, hit the weights. Lift heavy and go hard. That will burn the anger out of you like a fire in a haypile. Another excellent alternative is a punching bag if you have access to one. If not, go run until your legs feel gummy or you just can’t breathe anymore. The point is to expend your energy doing something positive. When you exercise, your body releases endorphins which help ease the pain allowing you do do more. At the end of a rigorous workout, the feeling of calm and relaxation you get comes from your body’s natural release of endocannabinoids. That feeling will quash your anger. At least temporarily. When it comes up again, go hit the gym again. Repeat until the anger subsides. And it will in time.

The most destructive thing in the world is anger.

3. Bargaining

This is more like the guilt stage for me. I knew bargaining wouldn’t work. The world isn’t fair like that. So let’s be realistic. I went through the “what if they had just found the tumor during the first scan?” “How much more time would she have had?” Those thoughts should be dismissed as soon as possible. Why? Because they’re not real scenarios. The “what if” will never happen, and it only leads to feelings of guilt about why you couldn’t do more or what you could have done differently. Instead, get to the bottom of your guilt. What’s causing it? Why are you feeling it. Again, talk it out with someone. Once you understand the genesis of your feelings, you can form a plan of attack for how to handle them. If not, it’s like going into a battle with no strategy. Sun Tsu says “know your enemy,” so know it. Find the root cause of your guilt and learn how to destroy it. In this case, talking with a counselor, therapist or simply someone who has been through it before, helps you learn what to do with your guilt. Hint: Get rid of it.

Chances are you’ll have to be forgiving with yourself in order to dismiss guilt. If you’ve made a habit of not being kind to yourself, this will be a harder step, but it’s imperative in the grieving process. Try to know that you did what you could and that your best is all you can do. Also, ask yourself if the the loved one you lost wants to see you suffering with guilt? Mom would have never wanted that. So I let it go.

But actually, let’s not.

4. Depression

This is not necessarily the same as the depression which manifests as a mental illness though it’ll certainly feel similar. It will go away despite the feeling that it never will. It’s a reflective time, which for me is a bad thing. The more I think while depressed, the more these patterns of unpleasant memories and visuals cycle through my mind. It’s then that the loss feels so great and all-consuming that I begin to wonder what the purpose is of going on at all. What’s the point? When we are in a normal state of mind, it’s not hard to think of numerous reasons to live your life to the best of your abilities. While depressed though, the fog in your brain obscures this type of reasoning. You can’t see past your own misery to understand that recovery is imminent and that all the great things about life are still there. It’s simply going to take time to clear the air and see it all again. It’s also easy to stop caring. You may stop caring about work, friends, yourself . . . Keep in mind that this is a stage of grief that you will most definitely fall into and out of repeatedly. Counter depression by staying active. Again, moving your body does so much more than keep you physically fit. The new brain connections you make are staggering. David Linden, Ph.D., a professor of neuroscience at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine explains:

“The mental benefits don’t stop when you finish your run — regular cardiovascular exercise can spark growth of new blood vessels to nourish the brain. Exercise may also produce new brain cells in certain locations through a process called neurogenesis, which may lead to an overall improvement in brain performance and prevent cognitive decline. Exercise has a dramatic antidepressive effect. It blunts the brain’s response to physical and emotional stress.”

Get up and do something. Inaction leads to more inaction.

5. Acceptance

Accepting something and feeling okay about it can be vastly different. This stage is not about becoming okay with your loss. Few people ever feel fine about the loss of a loved one. This is the time to accept the change into your life. At this point, you’re learning to live with it. It’s not a one and done thing though. There will always be reminders, and you’ll have to cope (birthdays, holidays, etc.). Understanding that your new reality is permanent takes you a long way in the healing process and helps you reach a place of acceptance sooner. It requires a lot of front end grieving and sheer desolate sadness, but the payoff is coming to terms with a new paradigm much sooner thereby reducing the length of your suffering. You’ll also realize that while your future is forever changed, your past is still intact.

Think back to the waves of grief I mentioned at the start. Acceptance can begin as simply as having shorter or less frequent waves. For example, in the early stages, my grieving would come flooding in hour by hour and subside in the same way. It was an hour-to-hour proposition. As time passed, I found that grief came around for a few days then left for a few. My hope in acceptance is for those days to turn to occasional days and moments of sadness, but weeks without. Eventually this will become months and years and while you’ll never be the same or forget the sadness, it will at least leave you to your happiness more often.

So what will you change? Exercise more? Find a licensed counselor? Eat cleaner? Get eight hours of sleep? Yes. All of those will help. The physical activity helps your body which in turn boosts your mind and mood while the mental exercises such as talking to people, writing and creating will help your mind sort out what’s needed from what isn’t. It’s all about learning to cope. Acquiring new positive habits or getting back to old ones facilitates the healing we need. You may not be able to do this initially or even after a couple of months, but don’t wait too long to get started. In fact, don’t wait at all to start talking to people. I started grief counseling well before Mom passed and I still wish I’d started sooner. It’s critical that you take care of yourself during your time of grieving as well.

Finally, remember that none of your feelings are wrong. You are validated in feeling exactly how you feel after this type of traumatic experience. But take a minute to consider how you’ll act upon those feelings. Don’t bottle it up. Don’t headbutt a door. And most importantly don’t give up. You’re going to make it.

A Place

It would be nice to venture of to a place where I’m anonymous.  I’d like to disappear into a city or culture with no hints or ideas left as to my whereabouts.  I want to know what it’s like to be unknown.  I want to unknow what it’s like to be known.  And as I formulate my plans, a searing pain like a hot needle traverses my extremities and wakes me up to the realization that the place I seek is already here and now.

Why We Get Pissed When Someone Dislikes “Our” Music

People respond to music on an emotional level.  These are deep feelings.  The connections made between music and emotions are so strong in fact, that we tend to take it personally when the music we listen to is insulted.  It’s like it’s a personal attack on something we hold dear, or in some cases, an attack on our very identity.

“Now that we’ve attacked each other’s identities, let’s get a vodka. But I’m still not forgiving you for insulting Kool Moe Dee, Peter.”

So when you tell someone that you don’t like the Beatles, expect them to react harshly with either surprise or anger.  Perhaps both.  Also, if you don’t like the Beatles, you’re a dickhead.  See how that works?  Someone just got offended.  I say that as though I have tons of readers.  I think I have 3.  That includes myself.

“Guys??”

Anyhow, this strong bond we have to our music is responsible for both the reaction when people hear that you don’t like ACDC, AND the reaction when you hear someone say they hate your favorite artist.  It’s a mild feeling of hurt.

In other words, the fact that you’re a similarly aged human with like interests makes others uneasy when they learn that your musical tastes are different than theirs.  Music is extremely personal, so we first get a little offended, then we become defensive.

“You don’t like The Weather Girls?!”

Once the defensive nature kicks in, we will then gauge our next step by quickly assessing how much we like the other person. If said person is a friend or more, we will smile and show our incredulousness with well-thought-out, killer statements like, “I can’t believe you don’t like them!”  Or, “WOW ARE YOU SERIOUS?!”   These are the types of compelling arguments that rapidly change people’s opinions.

“Oh, well since you put it that way!”

If the person is one we don’t particularly like or worse, we might either 1) Engage them in an argument (which is a huge waste of time and energy), or 2) Mentally dismiss them as the uncultured, unoriginal penis face that they are.  People who perform the first option, are the ones upon whom I use the second.

If the person is neither liked nor disliked, you can either engage them in the conversation about their musical tastes and why they don’t like your artist or song.  This is an okay option as you might learn something, although you could get stuck in a conversation with a person who likes to explain all the weird shit their neighbors get up to.  Or you can opt for the second choice in the above paragraph again.  Really, it just depends on your mood.

The fact that we all lose sight of from time to time is that we are all different on an infinate number of levels.  I could try to explain that statement, but it’s really complicated and I don’t know if I have the wherewithall for it.  But if you take me at my word, we are different in so many ways we don’t even realize.  The fact that you like Post Malone and I don’t doesn’t mean either of us is odd.

No, Post Malone…

It’s music that resonates with us.  We often times can’t explain why.  It’s just the way our brains are wired.  In other cases, it’s nostalgic.  The music reminds us of places or times in our lives that we like to relive.  Irrespective of the reasoning, it’s really a kind of shitty thing to devalue someone else’s musical tastes.  It’s essentially a form of criticizing people on deep levels and in ways that the criticizor doesn’t realize.

So wake up, and start realizing that when you put on your best astounded face and exhale with a puff of incredulity at someone else’s music, you’re really doing something that could be placed firmly in the “Asshole” category of life behaviors.

Likely asshole.

“Yeah Grant, that song is one my grandfather and I used to listen to while we talked on the front porch before his untimely death.”  You never know why people like or dislike things.  Don’t insult their opinions.  Value them.  Value them BECAUSE they’re different than yours.  Don’t shun them because their tastes differ.  I mean for fuck’s sake, peace starts with acceptance.  Why not start here?

Opposing Forces

I think that it’s easier for me to write when I don’t plan what I’m going to write. I don’t mean to say that when I write this way, it’s better. However, it takes a whole hell of a lot less time. Over the last year or so, I’ve had to examine my life in ways that I’ve never had to before and on levels I didn’t even really know existed for myself. Throughout this time, I’ve learned a great deal. Rather than list everything, let me delete everything I just typed.

I delete shit so hard the keyboard gets blurry.

The most important bits of what I have learned have come about from some deep introspection. Some of these are things I’ve known, but have never applied to myself. It’s scary to self-analyze which is why most people simply don’t do it. And those are the people who don’t grow. They’re the ones who you most likely would emigrate to avoid being around.

Alright, to hell with you all! We’re out!

Now then. Everything has an opposite. This applies to emotions, as emotions are part of everything. Let’s examine meanness. We all know the world is full of mean-spirited people with obsidian black souls who commit evil acts. We know this because it’s what we, as humans, choose to focus on. It’s all over the news when something terrible happens, and I’m not saying it shouldn’t be. But balance is so crucial. What good does it do the general public to inundate them with shitty stories about shittier actions done by even shittier people? It’s shit.

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“And now live from Generic Channel 4 News, more shit.”

For every news story that runs about a shooting or another act of violence, for instance, why can media outlets not counter with an uplifting story? In fact, a ratio of 2 uplifting stories to one shit story would be better! There are plenty of examples out there of acts of kindness, compassion, empathy and caring. Watch this:

What a sweet, uplifting event for all involved, and the Oscar Wilde quote at the end is so à propos. Your soul touches everyone you contact. Shouldn’t we pass along positive, caring energy if we have the chance? And did you notice that every hug giver and recipient was smiling? That says it all.

The most profound thing I heard/learned deals with anger. What is the opposite of anger? Everything good. The list of good things people do when angry looks like this:

Good Things People Accomplish when Angry

1.  

See? What a shitty list! Anger is worthless. I know people may say things like, “Hey man, it’s motivation!” No. Motivation is motivation. You can use any situation to motivate you. Anger itself is not a motivator. The quote I read that has already helped me immensely is as follows.

“The most destructive thing in the world is anger.”

Consider it.  How many events, relationships and even lives have been destroyed by anger?  The correct answer is countless. We’ve all seen friends and even families torn apart by situations that all stem from anger. Is it worth it? It is worth showcasing to someone that you’re so pissed off that nothing else matters but making damn sure they know how mad you are? Where’s the good in that?

Here are the reasons you pissed me off, Terry.  1. You stole my haircut!

I don’t mean to say that we don’t get angry. It’s a natural human emotion, but that doesn’t mean we should act on it. In fact, unless you’re being chased by a killer who is really pissing you off with the whole trying to kill you thing, you really should take time to process a situation that has angered you before reacting.

The key for everyone is to let go of anger and pain. This is far easier said than done. In order to detach, one has to practice and understand that most things are out of his or her control with the notable exception of mood and outlook. Not only does letting go of anger allow for emotional healing, but it sure as shit will help keep you from stepping on your own feet and having a fart and fall down moment. Again, this is difficult, but as with anything, we can achieve it with practice and patience.

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There it is. The old fart and fall down maneuver.

If all of that isn’t motivation enough to try detaching from your anger, in order to balance your anger, find numerous positive circumstances. Anger is so incredibly powerful, we cannot balance it with only one opposing positive. It takes quite a bit to quash angry feelings, which is further evidence that we should let it go.

As with anything, there are exceptions to the rule, but I have neither the time nor the wherewithal to list or explain these. The moral of the story is that life is better when we control our anger.

So what have I learned? I’ve discovered that I can’t control everything, nor do I even want to! I can’t control what fucked up stories the news airs, but I can control what I do. So instead of watching the news or delving into some other form of media, I can watch uplifting videos on YouTube. I can play or listen to music. I can laugh. I can live. I’m free.

A Reminder

This is one of probably 3oo,021 blogs about 9/11 posted today.  I actually wrote this three years ago although it feels like longer.  I think everyone’s personal experience on a day as powerful as 9/11 is special and unique to them.  So really, any one of the 300,021 blogs that you read on the topic are justified.

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So here it is.  My reminder of this day.

The ruckous at my bedroom door was my mom knocking and waking me from a state of semi-consciousness after an underwhelming night of sleep. My groggy brain attempted to decipher her words and what finally registered was, “Jeremy, get up.  A plane has crashed into one of the World Trade Center buildings.”  Lucidity came slowly at… first, but as I did a Tom Hanks from the end of the Burbs and slid down the last three stairs without bending my knees, the sight of plumes of smoke rising from the top of Building One cleared my head immediately.  Nobody seemed to understand what was really going on, and I thought about what a terrible accident this was and how much construction would have to be done to repair the building.  I had class at UTD that morning as it was Tuesday which I never had free throughout college. Moments before walking out the door, I glanced at the TV just to see the second plane hit.  It must have been due to the shock and not being able to comprehend the magnitude of what had just happened that I still got in my car and went to school.  I had a routine, and it felt comfortable to follow it. It was an unnaturally and ironically beautiful day.  If I’m recalling correctly it was around 74 degrees and breezy with mere wisps of clouds in the sky.   I showed up for my first class where we were dismissed after ten minutes owing to the catastrophe that was unfolding.  I had an Educational Psychology class about an hour and a half later, so I went to my car to enjoy the weather and make an effort to clear my head.  The windows were down and I just settled into the first Harry Potter book (required for my Children’s Lit. class) when this song began to play.  Duran Duran is not music typically associated with tragedy, but that’s what I was hearing.  Come Undone is a good song and should not carry such a stigma, but whoever was playing it played it loudly and repeatedly in the parking lot on September 11th.  It has been etched into my gray matter where unfair associations have arisen.  I can’t hear the song without remembering vividly the details of the day.  It must have played 8 or 9 times in a row until I got out of my car and walked to my next class.  Ed. Psych. that day was a time of mourning as we all showed up with unusual expressions on our faces.  It was past shock, but not yet sorrow.  Incredulity.My 70-ish year old professor had her husband sitting in the back of the class with a small radio plugged into his ear.  As we discussed the events at the World Trade Center, The Pentagon, and Shanksville, PA her husband piped up proclaiming, “All planes have landed.  There are no more planes in the sky.”  We left class after a collective sigh of relief, and I walked sullenly back to my car feeling undeserving of the peaceful, gorgeous day. I looked up at the sky and tried to comprehend how all American airspace was empty for the first time since commercial flight began.  It was just one more incomprehensible thing to comprehend.  Too much for most minds including mine.  I can only speak for the sorrow I felt and don’t dare to attempt to imagine the misery of those directly affected.  Thirteen years later I still exist.  For that I’m thankful and disappointed.  I will move on and I will help.  I’ll take time to reflect, hope and pray until I can actually make a true difference.  We all should do the former, and more of us should attempt the latter.  RIP

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Kindness

I don’t imagine that I’m the only one who often wonders where the hell the world has gone wrong. I’m not just referring to the current political divide.  This is actually a subject I’ve considered for years. Things have been wrong for a long time.   Just listen to what this guy has to say:

“The world is a shithole full of shitty little shitheads who are scared shitless.”

(Courtesy Columbia Pictures Inc.)

There is a way it can be fixed though.  I have an idea and a plan, but it would take a generation or two to work, and it would only work if everyone was on board.  So in other words, my plan is already fucked.  But at least I can hope to make a difference to some degree.  As a teacher, I have the privilege of asking my kids for their opinions on pretty deep topics, and they never disappoint me with their responses.  This past Friday, I posed two questions to a group of 5th graders and a group of 2nd graders, and their responses were astoundingly similar.  The questions were:

1. What is kindness?
2. How is being kind different from being nice?

I will return to the students’ responses in a bit.  First though, this does not appear to be a difficult concept initially, so why is it so hard for some (most) people to practice? I doubt that I’ll be able to answer that question, but again I have ideas.  Maybe they’re crappy ideas, but at least I’ll be trying.  There’s too much shitty shit in the world.  Too much hate, greed, turmoil, and acrimony.

See?

It’s out of hand.  We are self-destructing as a species, and I’m not saying that kindness will prevent that from happening, but it can sure as hell slow it down and even help us to enjoy life more.

First, we should define kindness.  According to dictionary.com, kindness is “of a good or benevolent nature or disposition, as a person.”  Simply put, it’s treating people in a pleasant manner and/or even going so far as to do something helpful for them!

Help?  I’d rather wax my taint!

Too many people are like this guy.  We are so self-important that we can’t take a damn minute to assist someone.  Hell, some people can’t even be bothered to smile pleasantly at a stranger, much less do something so physically taxing as holding a door open for them!  There are tons of little things that people neglect to do that seem insignificant but in actuality, piss others off to no end.  But is it the responsibility of Chet to use his blinker before cutting Patsy off, or is it up to Patsy to chill and realize that this shit isn’t a big deal?  The answer is yes.  If both people had this type of kind and considerate mindset, you wouldn’t see Patsy craning her neck out of the window with one tit hanging over the side of the door and a cigarette furiously bobbing up and down in her mouth as she hurls towards Chet every sort of nonsensical, foul insult that she can muster with her compromised lungs.  Now I’m not saying that if we all just hold doors for one another, everything will be just fine.  But it is a start.  Little things first.  Baby steps.  This is what we need to start teaching our children early.  Small deeds build kindness.  It’s just like forming a habit.

Look at it on a grander scale.  What major, troubling events could have been avoided by folks showing just a touch of kindness and caring?  Fights?  Riots?  Wars?  Who knows?!

Okay for adults this is harder.  Some people may be beyond the point of no return.  No matter what, they’re just going to be as pleasant as a burlap sack full of anuses.  So what do we do then?  How about if we teach our kids the proper ways to treat people?  Imagine this!  Not only could you help humanity, but you might also raise a great kid!  Holy fuck lips!  What a novel idea.  I’m not a parent (God willing one day I will be), so I won’t offer parenting advice.  I will, however, offer general advice from someone who works with an extremely diverse group of kids each day.

Diverse kids game: Wherever my finger lands is where I’m going to live. Haiti?!  Shit!!!

Speaking of the students; back to their answers to my questions. In defining kindness, they tossed out numerous keywords.  It was hard for the younger ones to do this without using the word “nice” as their vocabulary is more limited. However, it was fantastically interesting listening to 2nd graders explaining what kindness is. They said it’s being “more than nice,” and that it usually involves helping people and making people feel better.  They went on to say that kindness involves caring about others.  It occurred to me that what they were explaining was empathy.  This isn’t in the typical 7-year-old’s vocabulary yet, but they gave all the descriptions of someone being empathetic.  It was brilliant.  Kids possess an unfiltered brilliance.  Adults tend to forget how simple things are at their core.

Well, what the hell is wrong with this?!

And while they already knew the concept, you can bet your ass that those 7-year-olds know the word empathy now.

The most notable recurring theme that both 2nd and 5th graders concluded was that kindness is an enduring action or mindset whereas being nice generally consists of isolated events.  Whether or not that’s the “according to Hoyle” distinction is up for debate, but what’s important is that children ranging in age from 7 to 11 understand that there is a distinction.  There’s a certain depth to kind acts that nice acts just don’t reach. When you do something kind for someone else, it’s accompanied by another level of feeling and compassion, whereas doing something nice is just that:  Nice.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s not a thing wrong with nice acts, but what we all should be striving for is to really put feeling into our good deeds.  People can sense that, and it’s more likely to alter their demeanor thus improving their chance of paying it forward.

The kids’ contention is also that you don’t expect kindness to be repaid.  You do it because it’s right.  You do it because other people need it.  What a refreshing thing to hear from kids to by nature spend the overwhelming majority of their time thinking about the world as it relates to themselves.  Kindness has its own inherent reward anyway.  We all know it feels good to make people feel good.  If you don’t know that, then chances are you’re a zombie.

So, now what do we do?  We teach.  Crosby Stills Nash and Young said, “Teach your children well.”  That’s what I intend to do.  So much socialization occurs for children at school since this is where they spend most of their days.  My aim is to have a brief weekly discussion with each grade level I teach regarding kindness, empathy, compassion and helpfulness.  If we could get all teachers on board with this, the math breaks down roughly like this:  Each student receives 15-30 minutes per week of lessons on the above topics.  Multiply that by approximately 36 weeks in each school year x 13 years of schooling (Kinder through 12) = between 117 -234 hours of self-improvement and thereby potential community improvement.  Obviously, not all students will be thrilled with this initially.  But they can handle a small chunk of weekly time.  With consistency, a message sinks in.  Whether they want to or not, the kids will absorb much of the message simply through repetition.  It’s up to us as teachers and parents to vary the presentation methods to keep them engaged.  A kindness lesson for a 1st grader will obviously look immensely different than a lesson designed for a 10th grader.  But, the message is the same.

Clearly, this will be a long process.  Our generation may never see the results, but maybe our kids will.  Or their kids.  At least we will be lucky enough to see the benefits of those children we work with.  We can take solace in knowing that instilling kindness in our kids (or students) will make them better people, and hopefully help those around them.  It may be a pipe dream to think that this might somehow cure the world of evil and wrongdoing.  I might be a dreamer, but no grand goals are achieved without first being born a dream.  As I said, unless everyone is willing to put forth the time and effort to remind kids what it means to be kind, this idea will never catch fire.  How disappointing that would be given how simple it is to teach kindness to kids.  Our generation of “me first” parents and teachers sit lazily by with their faces buried in technology looking up only long enough to bitch about how fucked up the world is, and then wonder why their children are detached and disrespectful.  Even worse, those children grow into detached and apathetic adults further perpetuating the cycle.  If you read this and share it with just one person who you believe will do his or her part to be kind and instill that value in their kids, that alone will make an enormous difference.  We can’t afford to be lazy.  We can’t start strong with these teachings and let them taper off. Please don’t give up.  It’s not too late.

For your sake and for future generations, be kind and live kindly.

Shadows

Seemingly innocuous, shadows are much bigger and more complicated than we realize. I’ve always heard things in songs like “shadows follow me,” or talks of being “shrouded in the shadows,” and so forth. People refer to shadows figuratively as things that darken our existence or to represent something from which we can’t escape. Simultaneously, virtually every day of your life, you’ve had your physical shadow lurking around you. Why? Because of the fucking sun. But why really? Is there more to it than that your body blocks the sun’s light, thus casting a shadow on the ground? I think maybe. Not very convincing, I know. That’s because what I’m about to type is weird. I don’t necessarily believe it, but it’s something I thought about recently.

“My shadow is such a dickhead.”

Most of us spend a significant amount of time dealing with those figurative shadows. We are always burdened by something be it work, school, family, friends, relationships, money, etc. Many of us spend our lives living with these shadows as we’ve grown to ignore them much of the time… just as we do with our physical shadows. What if our physical shadow is a microcosm of our figurative shadow(s)? Or at the very least, what if it’s simply a reminder? I realize this sounds dreadful. Why do we want a constant reminder of our troubles every time we see our shadows? It makes one wonder why Peter Pan had such a hard on for reattaching his shadow.

(courtesy of Disney)

“Do you even realize what the hell you’re doing?!”

Ignoring shadows doesn’t make them go away. They are there to remind you that your shit’s all fucked up.

But it’s okay! So is everyone’s to some degree! This is life. It’s a series of dealing with one issue only to have another arise. Again, you may get rid of a shadow on a cloudy day, but rest assured it’ll be back.

This all goes to show how ready we are to ignore the shit that’s right in front of our faces. Either that, or we just get used to it. This is not always a bad thing. We don’t need to be ambling about constantly thinking of all the issues we have. However, maybe in some cases we should pay a bit more attention and meet the situation head-on. I believe that part of the purpose of life on Earth is to figure out how to cope with your issues. One day, I looked at my shadow and said to myself, “There’s that ridiculous cocksucker again.” But it spurred me on to take action. It helped remind me that I have dilemmas, and perhaps there’s something I can do about one or more of them. I think our actual shadows could be just a reminder to not forget about our problems completely. Acknowledge them. Only then can they be solved or at least dealt with in some manner. And only then will we have “conquered” life, or at worst, given it a good swift kick to the sack. Granted, it would be much more fun if shadow reminders looked like this giraffe.

In short, pay attention to your shadow. It’s not there to bug you or be an ass burglar. It’s there so you can remember not to stand idly by while your problems fester. While it may not be reminding us of the best of times, embrace it. It’s useful. Look at it as your most consistent reality check.

The rest of the time, go to your parties and social functions! Drink and be merry! Or smoke and be merry and mellow! Whatever floats your boat. Regardless, invite your shadow along to keep you grounded. Some of the best solutions to problems come when we are happiest. Ignoring your problems during these times can doom you to prolong them. Take heed. Or don’t.