To say death is unfair doesn’t really make sense. Death happens to everyone but it’s the how and when that is the kicker. Why is there so much suffering for people who have always done good? What sense does It make? Is there a point to asking these questions? In short, no. There won’t be answers while we live. There may not even be answers after this either.
The death of a parent is an inevitability that I chose to never think about until 9 years ago when Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. The jolt. I’ll never forget the jolt when we found out. This came merely 6 weeks after finding out that my dad had early stage prostate cancer. My friend Jennifer and I sat at one of our favorite hangouts where I uttered to her just before bursting into tears, “Both my parents have cancer.” Hearing it out loud makes it more real.
Then there was a fight. A long fight. Mom was stronger than anyone I’ve known. I can’t believe how hard she fought and how gracefully she did it. She showed incredible courage through her 115 rounds of chemo and 35 rounds of proton therapy. All of this bought her time. Precious time. We all did a lot of things with her during that period. Bonus experience we might not have gotten had this all started 15 years prior. As hard as it was for her physically and mentally, I’m sure she was glad to do it and to have the time with us. She was in so much pain so much of the time, but you’d never have known.
Then came the night. The worst night of my life. The days had grown progressively worse over the previous months and they took a horrible, sudden downward turn. As she left us, I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything more surreal. It’s not a feeling I can explain. I’m not sure I want to. It’s empty, yet painful. It’s painful, yet numbing. And it’s numbing, yet unforgettable. I don’t want to think about it, but I don’t want to forget it. Or do I?
The visions appear at the oddest times. Sometimes I can shake them off and fight past them. Typically when I’m busy. Other times they overwhelm me to the point of tears. This will be an uphill battle. An ongoing one. But it’s also a normal battle. Death is an unfortunate part of life which I feel is a pretty cruel joke. And there’s no guidebook for dealing with this type of loss. So here are some key things to remember:
- your feelings/emotions are normal. All of them.
- the grief will last and it will come and go at odd times
- there will be guilt: disregard it. It serves no purpose
- talk to people; whether counselors, friends or family, speaking of the pain lessens the pain
- Stay busy: work harder, find hobbies, go out with friends, start a side-hustle. Do something more than you did before
These aren’t hard and fast rules, but they are things that I’ve found helpful. I’m pretty sure some of these are research-based as well but I’m not looking that shit up right now to verify. Whatever you do, look after yourself and all those affected by the loss. As time passes, it’ll settle in and you’ll be able to continue life in a different way despite maybe not wanting to accept that. It’ll happen organically though. I don’t know who’s reading this, but anyone (including strangers) feel free to reach out if you want to chat. Sometimes all we need is a word of encouragement or just a bit of empathy.
I love you, Mom.
Vandersliceblog 
❤️ beautiful ! I’m so sorry for your loss! Ya’ll are still in our prayers!! I pray your memories with her crack thru your grief and bring you some comfort!
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