Nostalgia is why many of us continue to revisit movies from the 80’s, because honestly, most of them are shit. We watch due to our allegiances to movies we once loved, and we pretend to still enjoy them thoroughly despite bad acting, worse scripts and continuity issues.
Periodically, when I’m wasting my life away watching The Karate Kid for the thirty-sixth time, secondary characters begin to stand out, and I find myself wondering what in the hell their stories are and asking questions such as, “Who are you?” “Why are you there?” And, “What are your thoughts on knee cap nipples?” It’s during this series of questions that I realize someone missed the boat on these clowns. These are the characters with the most interesting stories. I don’t give a damn that Daniel LaRusso mastered the Crane Technique (which ranks in the top 5 shittiest possible martial arts strategies). And while William Zabka is busy playing the same character in each of his movies in this decade not to mention being inexplicably caught off guard by the aforementioned Crane Technique, I’m looking at the ladies and gents off to the side. They’re the ones you notice, but think virtually nothing about. Did you ever wonder what the audition judge in Back to the Future who shot down Marty McFly’s dream does on his own time besides being Huey Fucking Lewis?
Of course you didn’t. Or maybe you did. Either way, we are going to answer some of these quandaries and take a look at who should have gotten his or her own movie.
4. Ring announcer: Karate Kid
The leisure suit. The hairdo. The top three buttons undone to amplify his suaveness. Who couldn’t resist the Ring Announcer?
The correct answer is nobody. Anyone could resist the charms of this creepy bastard which is why he should have his own movie. This divorcee and borderline alcoholic likely spends every other weekend officiating karate tournaments around the state and acting smarmy in front of women who he doesn’t realize completely outclass him. He drives about in his beat-to-shit van because it’s the only thing he owns that’s paid off.
He’s even borrowed the leisure suit from Randy Quaid. The story line here though, is what he gets up to when not gushing over Daniel’s willingness to fight with a slightly injured leg. The smart money says he’s skulking around the dive bars in town sleazily showing off his fabulous pinky ring.
Either way, we could all get behind this guy and pull for him to finally do something. Anything! It doesn’t matter what it is, because anything is improvement. Maybe he gets a job as a waiter at Red Lobster and becomes really good at it. When asked for condiments, he not only delivers, but he slings them around and dazzles the patrons with hand eye coordination and greying chest hair. In the words of my friend Dan, “It’s like the movie Cocktail but with ketchup bottles.” Remember, we don’t want to aim too high for the guy.
3. May Day: A View to a Kill
Grace Jones scares the shit out of me . . . In a good way. When I was a kid, it amazed me when May Day used her Herculean muscles to toss Christopher Walken around like a schmuck and then declared victory by making out sloppily with him on the workout mat. I assume they then had Judo-sex which involves various throws and bashing their dongs together. I think Grace Jones is a remarkable and talented woman, but one look at May Day makes my asshole clench involuntarily. While the villain, Zorin was not a physically imposing figure, he is still a man. However, it’s clear who the man in this relationship was.
(Courtesy MGM/UA Entertainment)
“Does this outfit make my balls look fat?”
That said, May Day could have a series of movies based upon her character, because it’s a sure bet that she’s pretty damn near invincible. Insert her into any of the following movies as the main character, and it works: Rambo, Commando, Cobra, The Bourne series or The Muppets Take Manhattan. And when she’s not physically dominating everyone who crosses her, she’s developing a sophisticated set of stairs-turned-slide to install in various blimps which she uses to dispose of unsuspecting dipshits.
(Courtesy MGM/UA Entertainment)
“If you’ll please follow me, I’ll show you to San Francisco Bay.”
The best part about May Day as an action hero is that the enemies she doesn’t cunningly dispose of with her guile and craftiness, she will toss to death.
(Courtesy MGM/UA Entertainment)
“It’s not the sleeves. My arms are actually shaped that way.”
She will forever haunt my dreams. Not because of her prowess as an assassin, but rather because she has a much larger penis.
2. Test Monitor: Spies Like Us
(courtesy Warner Bros.)
Frank Oz as a test monitor is essentially Bert as a test monitor.
(courtesy Children’s Television Workshop)
“Now sit down and take the test, cocksucker.”
This poor man is undoubtedly a low level government employee who makes shit money and drives a Yugo. On weekends when he’s not proctoring tests for former SNL characters, he runs a side business ironing elbow patches onto tweed jackets.
It provides protection, and is sexy as shit!
His movie would have to occur one Saturday afternoon after a lengthy morning of testing, cheating and the ensuing paperwork of proctoring a long, boring exam. The scene caused by Emmitt Fitzhume and Austin Milbarge the week prior already has him on edge. If one more of these test-taking dick bags gives him even a hint of a problem, he’s going to kick someone squarely in the balls with his specialized pointy-toed ball-kicking shoe unit (the boot is exceptionally geared for vaginal kicking as well).
When an examinee steals a glance at another test, the test monitor loses it. After a wild swing and miss with his nut-kicker boot, he is escorted out of the facility by government security who ironically passed a test he gave 6 months ago. He breaks free of their grasp and runs hilariously to his shitty, blue car and spends the next several years on the run from the authorities. Naturally he’ll have to change his appearance which means lots of Just for Men will be used and tweed must be replaced with Ocean Pacific half shirts. Preferably hot pink ones. Townsfolk will recognize him periodically as the psychopathic test proctor who lost his shit and left them with the hysterical security video footage of his failed taint puncturing event. He certainly will come close to being caught due to his distinct voice and must continually find ways to thwart the government. Finally, after 8 years of ducking and hiding, and practicing his ball-kicking skills, the test monitor realizes that he’s not even wanted. He was merely fired from his job and was not being arrested, so he goes back to the only thing he knows and takes a job administering the SAT’s to prospective college students on Saturdays. But if any one of these pricks talks, he’s going to bust out his special shoes and show them how practice makes perfect.
1. Coach Finstock: Teen Wolf
Bobby Finstock may be the best person in any movie ever. The fact that his character was never heard from again has left a massive void in the movie industry and probably caused my septum to deviate. His spectacularly aloof manner is what I strive for in my daily life. He simply couldn’t he give any shits about poor Scott Howard’s issues because after all, he’s got his own problems (and the bitch is definitely one). Coach Finstock will unabashedly smack his gum and shave while he pretends to listen to your problems. Why? Because to hell with you. He’s a very busy man.
(courtesy 20th Century Fox)
“Christ, now what the hell?”
After he beats you down with a story about a “crippled up” widow scrubbing floors with a pin in her hip whose son needed to quit the basketball team to get a job and help out, he likes to remind you that none of that matters in the slightest as the kid was a third string player who he needed as much as Styles needs a smaller “What are You Looking at Dicknose” t-shirt.
(courtesy 20th Century Fox)
“What’s wrong with these sleeves?”
There is much to be admired about Finstock’s nonchalant approach to life. In his feature film, it’s likely that we find him violating his legendary “Three Rules that I Live By.” In the opening scene, he’s slept for only 11 hours after a long night of playing cards with a guy named Dallas, and rolls over in bed next to a lady with a dagger tattooed on her neck. What shenanigans will he get into? I imagine much of the movie will be set between KFC and his office. And when he’s not eating all the drumsticks out of the chicken bucket and leaving everyone else with the damn shitty wings, or dismissing people the way you and I would a homeless convicted puppet fucker, he’s on the phone with exes and in-laws asking for money to pay off his exorbitant gambling debts. Much of the movie should chronicle his brushes with loan sharks who have come to collect and will depict his uncanny ability to weasel his way out of tight spots. A cat and mouse type of affair, if you will. Except the mouse is a callous, remorseless and shady bastard.
(courtesy Warner Bros.)
“Yeah, I slapped Tom in the scrotum with a hammer. The fuck you gonna do about it?”
Hell, the way he lives, he may even cross paths with the Ring Announcer. What an incredibly socially and sexually deviant duo that is!
Vandersliceblog 
I can’t wait for the follow-up of the 90’s. This was awesome.
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Hey, thanks! The pressure is on now!
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No trouble. I always like taking pressure off myself, by pressuring others.
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